The Writer’s Wish List: The Aspirations of Writers DEBUNKED

It is embedded in the origins of humanity for all full-functioning, self-ambitious human beings to wish for things. Trends in relevant statistics reveal that human beings wish for things such as vacations, game or theater tickets, snow, money, certain relationships, etc. This goes for a wide majority of the world’s population, despite differences in personality, status, or well-being. But writers? Well, sometimes the things these totally normal people wish for fall into three general adjectival Categories, listed below:

• Deeply unusual and questionable
• Seen as bizarre and ridiculous to everyone except themselves
• Are either impossible or never could happen.

If you happen to have a friend who is a writer and have had to restrain yourself from taking him to the nearest psychologist, The Writer’s Wish List is for you. Its sole purpose is to finally reveal and explain the deepest wishes of these odd and scatterbrained, yet thoughtful and imaginative people we know as “writers.”

Ladies and Gents … The Writer’s Wish List.

No. 1. Unlimited time for writing. This should be concisely self explanatory. Since most writers’ sole occupation, ambition, and call to life is writing, this is probably on the very top of every writer’s Wish List. Even if it means somehow lengthening the day, writers claim that they desire this ability daily and, strangely enough, often defend themselves with caffeine. This poses not only a penniless, but also unhealthy lifestyle (the latter depending on the FDA’s current whim).

 

No. 2. A Pensieve or a Mind Palace. It’s a sad truth: Writers often wish for things that don’t exist. Writers in an interview claim that ideas are “the most awesome” when they first enter the mind. When this happens, each of them explain, they MUST at all costs write it down before they forget it and it is lost forever. We all know well that thoughts, ideas, and sudden inspiration arrive to writers in this fashion, and a little too often, therefore driving said writer insane. The remedy? A Pensieve (Harry Potter) allows one to literally take thoughts out of their head and to store them in the Pensieve. One can also live these thoughts from their own perspective, as if they are invisible, a magic any writer would die for. And a Mind Palace (BBC Sherlock)? This mode of storing information for later use is mechanical, yes, but so geniusly organized and is above and beyond our fantasies of photographic memory. Even if you haven’t witnessed Sherlock and his Mind Palace, be assured that all writers at some point have wished for something similar to this.

Sherlock in his Mind Palace

 

No. 3. Your old books. If you have a writer friend, heed this advice and keep an eye on those dusty books on your shelf because said writer is keeping an eye on them too. A writer’s ideas and inspiration for the things they write come not only from the real world, but from other books and other fictional worlds created by other writers that they look up to. The bad books? They read these to learn how not to write and what to avoid. The good books? Because everyone loves drinking from good wordly wisdom. Therefore, any book, especially old and musty-smelling ones (for reasons unknown), appeal to them. For a writer friend’s gift, if you want to please them above all understanding, give them that old hardback of your grandpa’s, even if it’s falling apart, and they will probably express great love for you, which is usually uncharacteristic of them. You’d be surprised.

 

No. 4. To publish their book/story. “Why the heck would you want to publish a book?” Writers spend time not just writing their book but also on their blogs, social media, and researching agents in order to publish their book, whether it be indie-published on Amazon, or traditionally through a literary agent. If you ask any writer the question given above, they will most likely look piteously at you, blink, and walk away. If they attempt at a verbal answer, however, the word “um” would probably be uttered in abundance, followed by an inconclusive explanation which they hope will change your mind about ever having to ask them such a question again. For writers who are ready and armed with a sarcasm-filled comeback for such a question, the answer will undoubtedly be either a relevant Darth Vader reference or something along the lines of “are you fully aware of the sour consequence you now face?”

 

No. 5. To talk to their characters in real life. You may have walked past a writer and heard them mumbling to themselves, only to realize that they are personally addressing someone who simply isn’t there. You may have come to the conclusion that said writer has finally gone mental, but this strange symptom usually is a harmless one and can be explained by saying that writers sometimes talk to their characters, whether it be through paper and pencil, typing on the manuscript, or, as in this case, talking out loud. This symptom may come from said writer’s sincere desire to talk and physically converse with their characters. It makes sense, once you think about it; writers write about these people after all, and in order to learn more about them, actually talking to them is generally the writer’s preference.

 

No. 6. Talk to their favorite writers, dead or alive. People such as J. R. R. Tolkien, Andy Weir, Sir Doyle, J. K. Rowling, and C. S. Lewis are to writers just as any other famous singer or football player is to the average American citizen. This is actually not quite uncommon among writers and since there is a possibility, though quite small, that said writer may one day be able to talk to a favorite writer of theirs who still remains in existence.

 

No. 7. Time spent alone in quiet. Most writers are introverted and no wonder; they write, read, or enjoy entertainment media such as Netflix during their free time and would rather do so than attend parties and other social events that involve verbal interaction and lots of strangers. If you know a writer friend who has such a personality, don’t be offended; it is only in most writers’ nature to want time alone. However, there are writers who do not suffer from this natural social phobia and do enjoy extroverted activities.

 

No. 8. Visit a fictional world and meet fictional characters. Most writers are nerds, and no wonder. It is from their favorite books, movies, and TV shows that they find much of their ideas for their own writing and it helps them to better understand life in general. Therefore, writers tend to be big fans of such media and end up not only obsessing over imaginary works that involve mythical worlds and characters, but wishing to literally be a part of it. If a writer friend is constantly posting memes on Star Wars, quoting Aslan, walking like Jack Sparrow, or talking in a strange guttural voice (undoubtedly an attempt to imitate the speech of Batman or Tolkien’s “Gollum”) you will now understand the reasons for this otherwise maniacal behavior.

 

No. 9. Lots of tea, coffee, pastry breads, or chocolate. You are not alone if you wonder at the way your writer friend reacts to an unsuccessful writing day, killing off a character, managing to lose most of their WIP to the unforgettable void by accidental deletion, and other such horrors that may happen frequently to lower their mood. Besides spending time with their face in a pillow, wielding extreme sardonic sass, or a sudden interest in banging on a piano (it all depends on the personality), nearly all writers claim to feel better after such incidents by consuming the aforementioned foods. Why only these certain foods and specifically how they comfort Writers in Distress is beyond current psychological understanding.

 

No. 10. Make money by writing. And this Wish is probably the only one that doesn’t fall into any of the three categories as it should make sense to everyone and is not impossible. It is the sole future wish of every writer to make money doing what they love to do and possibly making it their own job. The first step of many such ambitious writers is to start a writer’s platform which leads to the possibility of publishing their book(s). Famous authors such as J. K. Rowling, Neil Gaiman, or Stephen King are examples of the ideal success that many writers aspire to obtain. Unfortunately, this book publishing business and any other writing job is very competitive and, unless they have a different yet successful job, many writers stay poor.

Perhaps your writer friend has published something, whether it is traditionally (not very probable) or indie (very probable). You will be happy to know that the best thing you could ever do for your writer friend is to buy their book, read it, and tell them how much you liked it. They will think of you as their new real-life hero. (If you frankly thought it was horrible, be honest, but polite. Writers also welcome critique, but don’t risk becoming their new real-life enemy.)

 

(Note to the reader: For the humor’s sake, I posed as a non-writer researcher, but I am, in fact, a writer, who found this post very easy because I [and other writers, of course] relate to it all. Therefore, no real research was needed.)